When my time comes, forget the wrong I’ve done, help me leave behind some reasons to be missed
When I think that I’ve found the perfect thing to be thankful for, some problem comes up that always makes me re-think the whole situation. I reel back within my mind and shift through the good things and the bad. Things I wished I could’ve forgotten and memories I wish I never kept. I’ve got habits that are so easy to read, they think I’m like an open book. In reality… I’m more complicated and mature than you think. I’m smarter than most people give me credit for. Not everyone wears their heart on their sleeves. Me, I’ll never know because when you might think that you understand me, in my head I know you’ll never truly understand how my mind works. It’s just the basic behaviors and habits that’s got your mind reeling. A lot of people could already probably tell that any movement with my foot, biting over the lower lip and absolute silence means I’m upset. Rolling my eyes, diverting from looking at the subject is me trying not to let the tears roll by. But really, when I say something to you, it’s only a simplified version of what I really think. I never let my guard down, no one really tried to break it apart in the first place. I mean, who cared to look past the blunt, happy-go-fucking lucky Kim. I want to smile for people, I want to be that girl that is drama-free and has fun. I know everyone has drama in their life but I got people fucking up mine just for the fun of it! No one knows how I really think, how I really feel. When I love, I love with all I’ve got and sometimes, well honestly, most of the time it scares me. When I hold onto things that I love, I fear the thought of losing it. Knowing me, I probably will with some compulsive action of mines that I’ll do in the future that fucks everything else up for me. My brain works in different speeds at different times. I can be slow but I can be fast. When I’m upset, my mind sends thoughts and ideas to me a mile a minute. While everyone else doesn’t know this, HE knows what thinking does to me. The thing he doesn’t know is how often I tend to do it. He doesn’t know that I cry whenever I think he’ll leave me. I know it’s a silly thought and he’s always asking me what gives me the idea of that. It’s just you don’t know how my mind works and if you did, you’d understand why I think things that I do. I’m constantly breaking myself down in my head. Insults after insults, degrading myself to the point of wanting to make myself better for the sake of being liked by others and approved of by the parental figure. When I’m upset, I’m alone. I feel like there’s no one to talk to. Like my best friends aren’t people I can’t turn to. The person I want to call the most is the person I’m trying to keep myself from contacting with. That’s what I think people never know about me, is how alone I feel in this world. Like no one will ever be there to pick me up when I fall, to lend a helping hand, a shoulder to lean on. While I know there are people who are like that for me, I just don’t get the feeling that I can. I want to but I can’t. I don’t know why. I think sometimes somethings wrong me. Maybe she is right, I’m not emotionally stable. I overlook things that I shouldn’t and I over think things which always end up making things worse. I think… I’m just truly terrified of being left alone
